you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
