just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
