Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
