saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
