i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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