Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
