This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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