I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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