i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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