i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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