you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
