dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
