Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
