it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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