Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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