I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
