would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
and she was petting her beer can
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
