i permit you to call me
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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