why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
