3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
