Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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