I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
