i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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