I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
