My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
