what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
