I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
