On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
