life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
