no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I wear drunk well.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
