so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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