Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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