I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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