i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
