I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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