Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
