My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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