If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize