i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
