I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
