Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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