I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
