I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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