his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
