i think my tv is drunk
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
