the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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