please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
