I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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