mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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