I like my sex mixed with concussions.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
