and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
