dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
