mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
