So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
