Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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