My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
