sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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