True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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